# Anchor Cards

Printable cards for navigating conflict in real time. Not scripts; starting points to adapt.

## How to use

Create cards collaboratively with the couple. Each card has:
- **When to use**: the situation it fits
- **What to say**: suggested language
- **Notes**: guardrails and context

Store in `resources/anchor-cards.md` in the couple's workspace. Offer to generate a printable HTML version.

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## Starter Cards

### 1. When they're overwhelmed (and it's landing on you)

**When:** Their frustration is disproportionate, landing as criticism of small things, or redirected from something else.

**Say:** "Hey, I feel like something bigger is going on for you right now. I care about that. But I can't be the landing spot for it right now. Can we figure out what you actually need?"

**Or:** "What do you really need right now: reassurance that things will be okay? That you're safe? That I'm here?"

**Note:** If they're too deep in it, the question plants a seed even if they can't answer yet.

### 2. Taking space (without it becoming a shutdown)

**When:** You're flooded, going flat, shutting down, or about to say something you'll regret.

**Say:** "I need a bit of space right now. I'm not going anywhere. I'll come back to this."

**Don't:**
- Leave without saying anything (reads as punishment)
- Explain or justify at length (not a negotiation)
- Use space to avoid (regulate, then return)

**Note:** 20-30 min minimum for nervous system reset.

### 3. The parts exercise: put it on the table

**When:** Either of you is caught in a strong reaction and can't get out of it.

**Say:** "Can we try something? I want to put what's happening for me on the table and look at it together."

**The exercise:**
1. Pause. Breathe.
2. Imagine placing the activated part in front of you (on the table, floor, or a chair)
3. Look at it together: "What does that part look like? What does it need?"
4. Talk *about* it, not *from* it

**Note:** You stop being enemies. Two people looking at a third thing; compassion often follows.

### 4. When a part gets treated as all of you

**When:** You named something as a part ("a part of me feels...") and they responded to you as a whole, as if the part IS you.

**Say:** "I want to keep sharing this with you, but I need you to talk to the part, not to me. Can we try that?"

**Or:** "I notice you're responding to me like I *am* that part. I'm not. It's just visiting. Can we look at it together?"

**Note:** Don't collapse the part back into yourself to make them comfortable. Don't stop sharing parts.

### 5. When you're reacting to their parts as all of them

**When:** They say something from a scared or angry part, and you respond to them-as-a-whole.

**Say:** "Is that a part talking right now, or is that you-you?" (with genuine curiosity, not as a gotcha)

**Then check yourself:** "What part of me is activated right now?" Name it out loud if you can. Modeling it is the fastest way to invite it back.

### 6. Speaking templates

**NVC (when you have bandwidth):**
> "When I hear you say [X], a part of me feels [emotion]. What I need right now is [need]."

**Radical Honesty (when it's too raw for formulas):**
> "I'm angry right now." / "I feel disconnected." / "I'm scared this is going somewhere bad."
> No formula. Just true. Just yours.

**I-language:**
- "I feel angry" (owns it)
- "A part of me is really hurt" (even better)
- Not: "You made me feel angry" (blame)
- Not: "You always do this" (they hear: you are broken)

**Test:** Can I say this without it being an accusation? If not, go one layer deeper.

### 7. Emotions & needs reference (personalize per couple)

**Common emotions to check against:**
Anger, resentment, hurt, sadness, disappointment, grief, disconnected, invisible, not appreciated, exhausted, overwhelmed, scared, anxious, threatened, insecure

**Common shared needs:**
To feel seen, to feel safe, connected, trusted, space to be yourself, effort noticed, reassurance, consistency, loved without conditions

**Note on "blamed":** Not an emotion. It's an interpretation. Underneath it: shame, hurt, defensiveness, or fear. Find the actual feeling.

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## Customization

Help the couple add their own cards based on recurring situations. Good candidates:
- Situations that repeat and where they lose their script
- Grounding reminders (e.g., the Gestalt Prayer, a shared mantra)
- Partner-specific patterns they've identified

The best time to add cards is during a calm moment, reflecting on what would have helped last time.